Empty Space

I’ve been a little preoccupied lately and forgot to do a blog post. I even forgot to send a mother’s day card. I did call her, I’m not a bad daughter! I made up for it though. I sent a mother’s and father’s day card with an AMC theater gift card for a movie date night. I think that will do. 🙂

So what’s keeping me busy? Honestly it’s cleaning but I set myself up for some trouble. I need to read like 5 books in the next 2 weeks and have been attempting to minimalize my home. I also just celebrated my 30th birthday, that has been weighing on me and I’m going on a mini vacation at the end of the month. Just a lot happening for me this month and while I know I need to start cleaning up my life sooner rather than later, it’s just kind of catching up to me.

On Saturday my friend and I did dinner and a movie. We do this every year for my birthday and with all the amazing movies that come out in May, seeing a good one is easy. Now I’m a planner, not sure if you have picked up on that while reading this blog but I am. I decided on a time and place to meet my friend. I was running late so she ran in to buy the movie tickets before we went to IKEA. I KNOW when I checked online the movie was playing at the theater but turns out, it was not. Apparently the theater didn’t get the movie and had lots of people trying to see the movie there. The nice attendant told my friend that the movie was playing down the street but it’s earlier than we wanted. We run over to the other theater and buy our tickets and end up skipping IKEA. Totally bummed out because I love IKEA. So my friend and I walk into the theater and this is what we see, not a single person there.

IMG_20150516_143454We went to see Pitch Perfect 2 on a Saturday on its opening weekend. This is an older theater but the new theater was not even playing the movie, what is going on! Well as soon as we sat down, the theater started filling up. My theory, everyone went to the new theater first, because online it said they had it and when it was not showing they were told to go down the street to this one! Fantastic movie by the way, not as great as the first but still fantastic.

I hope to have an updated blog post for my Battling Chaos series soon but it’s taking some time and I’ve run into some problems. Here is the before picture, see what I have to work with!

IMG_20150508_172605

Tiffany – The Tangled Taurus

2 weeks

You know, I’ve never been one to really care about my age. When I was 16, ya maybe I was excited to drive. I mean, hello freedom! That also came with “You need to go pick up your sisters” and “If you want to drive, you need to get a job” said in a dad voice. This was annoying because my sisters were generally no where to be found when I went to pick them up, such a waste of time. When I turned 18, yay I could vote and smoke legally if I actually wanted to smoke, which is gross by the way. At 18, voting was not a priority to me nor did it have the same importance it does now. When I turned 21, yay I can legally drink, if I actually wanted to drink. There have been occasions where my age has seemed important and worthy of caring about but none have physically made me feel the way I do now.

This year, now that I’m almost 30, the logical part of my brain is like, “whatever it’s just an another year older”. The other part of my brain, hormones, physical being, I don’t know what to call it is freaking out, “OMG OMG OMG Seriously in 2 weeks you will be 30 and you have done NOTHING with your life”. I spent a while the other night just thinking about how I’m not where I want to be in life, I’m single and have not even started on a family, and I don’t have a fabulous career/making good money. I seriously thought I was having a panic attack over turning 30 and that is very much unlike me. While I am disappointed none of the things I mentioned are things that I have, I’m not unhappy. I’m happy and content with the way my life is, even if I occasionally get lonely, because let’s face it, being single can be rather lonely. There are areas in my life I want to change and I’m working on them but nothing that should make me feel bad.

Why am I writing this? I just wanted to get it out of my head. I really could care less but the irrational me can’t let it go. On a certain level I can understand why my friend was freaking out about turning 30 last December. It also makes me wonder and sort of sad to think about what drives me, possibly others, to think about what are acceptable achievements for woman approaching 30. This can be asked about both men and woman and for any age. What makes us think that at any given age, we should be living a certain way?

Tiffany – The Tangled Taurus

The year I turn 30

I had a depressing night last night.

I’m usually a fairly optimistic and positive person but last night all I could think about was how unfulfilling my life is. Not only in work but in my personal life as well. I think I’m hitting the 30 blues. It’s not that I’m sad I’ll be turning 30 this year, it’s all that I have, well have NOT accomplished in those 30 years. I know logically I should not compare myself to others but when 80% of your peers either have distinct careers or ready for their 2nd/3rd/4th child, I can’t help but feel inferior.

Last night I was browsing through Linkedin and the knowledge that I don’t have a career really hit home with me and hit me hard. Where is my passion? I mean, do I hate my job? No. Do I still enjoy my job and where I work? Yes, but what do you do with yourself when you are almost 30 and have no idea what you want to be when you “grow” up? I’d love to move up in my department, but the one position that would do that for me was eliminated because of budget cuts. I’m also feeling the noose of responsibility and a job that paid better would help loosen that noose.

There have been talks about upcoming performance goals and raises and I’m nervous. I feel like my work is going to look at what I make and what the average person in my position makes and decide that I already make more than the average. Then I had a dream that my company started a review website that ranked employees based on customer interaction. My boss pointed out that I had a review and it was not good. I couldn’t understand why because I’m generally really good with customers. Of course I scoured the review section looking for anything to do with me but didn’t find anything. I do a fantastic job keeping my smart ass comments to myself and not telling callers what they can do with their swear words and poor attitudes.

Overall I’m just feeling shitty about myself. Need to get out of this funk.

Tiffany – The Tangled Taurus